• 第一篇作文 - [英语]

    2008-08-16

    Tag:IELTS 作文

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    http://nicklj.blogbus.com/logs/27793919.html

    一直对自己的作文很没信心,也不知道该怎么复习,还有半个月考试,前段时间一直看句子,有些东西怕没有用,总得去面对,今天总算下定决心实习一篇,写了我将近一个半小时(要求40分钟)。贴出来,以示纪念。也希望能有高手帮我指导指导,嘿嘿~~

    题目是剑5Test1的Writing Task 2.
    Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject.
    To what extent do you agree or disagree.

    In contemporary society, many people agrue that whether collages should enrolled the same number of male and female students in every subject. Some people think equal numbers of each gender will contribute to motivation in students' study and decrease the sex descrimination while other believe that students in different curriculums require different skills ,characteristics and personalities which is quite different between men and women. Perhaps there is a true element in both opinions, however in my view, different departments  need to accept diverse number of students in each gender according to the demand of each subject.

    The most important reason for that is the different properties in different subjects.Men and women have their advantages and disadvantages respectively.As an instance, male students show their talent in mechanics greatly whereas many subjects like gynaecology and nursing demand female mainly. A survey carried out by UNESCO indicates that students in different gender got quite diffenter scores in engineering and languages courses. What is meant by this is that it is unfair to expect boys and girls play the same essential roles in every subjects.

    On the other hand, a forced rule to compel the universties accept the equal number of students in different gender will bring about serious results in the construction of curriculum. That will compel students to study in a department which is not suitable for him or her. It is difficut to imagine that most of the students in a subject have litte interest in its courses.

    Of course, the same number of male and female students could also bring out some advantages. Different gender have different characterists and they can learn a lot from the opposite ones. The mixture of boys and girls can also contribut people feel less nervous and more comfortable.As a result, based on the respecting the choices of students, schools could slightly adjust the proportion of each gender.

    Anyway, universties have to balance the advantages and disadvantages when they accept different mumber of students in different gender. Equity and justice have to be considered into the enrollment. Then, more suitable education oppotunities will be given to more right people, which is fortunate to the education system.


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    评论

  • 如果是40分钟写成这样,算是很不错了。分析一下为什么花了那么多时间,有针对性的提高吧

    Then, more suitable education oppotunities will be given to more right people
    这句有点过分了。为什么要用比较级呢,应该是中文直译的吧。放在结论里,会缺乏上下文的照应,所以从连贯性的角度上来讲,不能用比较级。

    more right people这么写是败笔了。right这个词白的不能再白了,appropriate, proper都比它强。而且你这个比较级用的有了歧义:究竟是更多的合适的人,还是更合适的人?而且前面已经有了suitable,这造成了意思上的重复,经不起推敲的。

    which is fortunate to the education system这么写语气太弱了。而且应该是educational system 有形容词还是用形容词比较规范

    建议最后这句话写成: Universities would be well-advised to afford the education opportunities to appropriate candidates despite of the gender issue.
    不过嘛,大作文最后一句话的影响不是很大:毕竟基本上都是赶在最后几分钟写的,难得写出好东西来。LZ目前最大的问题就是如果在保证质量的同时提高速度。
  • Well done~~
    just suggest you could divide the second paragraph into two paragraphs and simplify the first paragraph.
    Plus, you'd better rewrite your conclusion and make it conforming to your viewpoint in the 1st paragraph although the last paragraph is ususllay ignored by examiners who believe that the last paragraph does not response skills of candidates, because most of candidates have not enough time to do it.
  • 一眼望上去很强~~呵呵,我不是高手啊,等到时候高手再来指导你,就我的角度来看,已经很强了~~